I Quit

Ever have one of those days where you would just like to quit?

I would like to quit & have been feeling this way for quite a long time.  My hubby says that it will wear off / that I'm having a bad day, etc, that I don't / won't always feel like this - so how come it keeps coming back?  

I guess I would like a do over - all though I don't know what I would do different.  I hated school - so maybe I wouldn't go to college.  Now that I know what it's like to be married with children.... I think I'd stay single & alone.  Trying to get love whenever I felt like it.  Continually searching for that new & exciting & passionate Hollywood love that doesn't ever exist in this cruel world.  I would buy a place in a nice town - may be even where I live now.  No--- I would want to live some place warmer.  I would spend more money & care less about saving - unless I had a big fun trip to save up for. 

I wouldn't have children because mine have been too much heartache & burden.  

I would like the knowledge about eternal life that the church brings - just so I wouldn't have to waste my time in search for "meaning".  But I"m not sure I would like all the restrictions & people & personalities & MEETINGS MEETINGS MEETINGS that exist in the church to be a part of my new life.

I also would like a drink every once in a while - so that definitely doesn't go in harmony with church life.

I would have a nice 4 door Toyota or Honda - just because I don't care about what I'm in debt for.

I would have fun friends who were happy with their life - just like I wish in my life I would be.

I would get a boob job - just a little one for appearances :)

I would have a job (I don't' know what - because I have NO idea what I would like to do - no wait!!!) doing research or as a writer or no... a publisher!!!  

I would spend some time volunteering - you know making a difference in someones life.

I would either dye my hair dark brown or dark red & keep it up by going to the salon once a month.

Alas... I've been typing for five or so minutes & thinking & none of this is ever going to happen - you know the old phrase - "if wishes were fishes"

I just want to be happy.  I don't know if all these things would make me happy or if it is just life that is miserable so I wish it were over.  Isn't that sad?  I'm only 27 and seriously wish things would just come to a quiet end.  you know The End. no worrying about degrees of heaven or hell.  just in a room or in a grassy field with my WHOLE family, reading a book, or eating chocolate.  No screaming or work.  Just peace - that's all I want.  to be happy & not to have to continue with all this CRAP.

We all know that's not going to happen.  Tomorrow I will wake up & start it all over again.  All the while mourning that I have to endure this world... one in which I don't see any hope or happiness.  Just countless tasks to complete & people (and of course the Big Guy) to please.

We never get what we want... or may be it's we never want what we get.

I'm done.