I Quit

Ever have one of those days where you would just like to quit?

I would like to quit & have been feeling this way for quite a long time.  My hubby says that it will wear off / that I'm having a bad day, etc, that I don't / won't always feel like this - so how come it keeps coming back?  

I guess I would like a do over - all though I don't know what I would do different.  I hated school - so maybe I wouldn't go to college.  Now that I know what it's like to be married with children.... I think I'd stay single & alone.  Trying to get love whenever I felt like it.  Continually searching for that new & exciting & passionate Hollywood love that doesn't ever exist in this cruel world.  I would buy a place in a nice town - may be even where I live now.  No--- I would want to live some place warmer.  I would spend more money & care less about saving - unless I had a big fun trip to save up for. 

I wouldn't have children because mine have been too much heartache & burden.  

I would like the knowledge about eternal life that the church brings - just so I wouldn't have to waste my time in search for "meaning".  But I"m not sure I would like all the restrictions & people & personalities & MEETINGS MEETINGS MEETINGS that exist in the church to be a part of my new life.

I also would like a drink every once in a while - so that definitely doesn't go in harmony with church life.

I would have a nice 4 door Toyota or Honda - just because I don't care about what I'm in debt for.

I would have fun friends who were happy with their life - just like I wish in my life I would be.

I would get a boob job - just a little one for appearances :)

I would have a job (I don't' know what - because I have NO idea what I would like to do - no wait!!!) doing research or as a writer or no... a publisher!!!  

I would spend some time volunteering - you know making a difference in someones life.

I would either dye my hair dark brown or dark red & keep it up by going to the salon once a month.

Alas... I've been typing for five or so minutes & thinking & none of this is ever going to happen - you know the old phrase - "if wishes were fishes"

I just want to be happy.  I don't know if all these things would make me happy or if it is just life that is miserable so I wish it were over.  Isn't that sad?  I'm only 27 and seriously wish things would just come to a quiet end.  you know The End. no worrying about degrees of heaven or hell.  just in a room or in a grassy field with my WHOLE family, reading a book, or eating chocolate.  No screaming or work.  Just peace - that's all I want.  to be happy & not to have to continue with all this CRAP.

We all know that's not going to happen.  Tomorrow I will wake up & start it all over again.  All the while mourning that I have to endure this world... one in which I don't see any hope or happiness.  Just countless tasks to complete & people (and of course the Big Guy) to please.

We never get what we want... or may be it's we never want what we get.

I'm done. 

When it rains, it pours

Let me tell you - it is pouring all over right now.

My family is in town (which should be a good thing but it's snot).  Literally, snot.  Bubba has an awful cold that he got from his new daycare - lovely.  Snot running in his mouth, down his face, down his throat, all over his clothes.  So he's waking up a lot more than usual during the night - which always helps the mood of Moe & I.  My youngest sister, Baby, was abandoned by my parents & left home because she has stupid band & play practice - so she is lonely & wishes she were here. My sister, Princess, was able to make the long 40 mile trip from the Z (where she goes to college).  She was complaining the whole time how hard the Z is (like the colleges we went to were nothing & she is so picked on living in her private room, granite counter-top, cutely decorated palace).  My brother, Historian, had another DTR (determine the relationship) with some other girl (he doesn't ever bother to tell us their names/introduce them to us because it never works out) so he is pissed at the world.  My mother, Quilter, is upset because all of her children are upset and my dad's brother, Cocky, is staying in the same place as them - & she HATES Cocky.  (Well who wouldn't, once you get to know him & his perfect family).  I'm menstruating (for the second time in two weeks) and feeling overwhelmed by all the fun things on my plate.

This is NOT the place - at least around us right now.

I would like to Quit Quicken

Sometimes things that are supposed to make our lives easier end up stressing us out more than they help.

I spent 3 hours trying to get all set up on Quicken.  And I still have a couple of accounts to get set up. BLEGH! 

Midnight Nanny Wanted

Don't you just love it when your two month old wakes up every hour (or two) at night because he is hungry, then eats just enough not to be starving & promptly returns to the unwakeable sleep?  Well that was Bubba & I last night.  Usually we have one of those nights almost every week.  Normally it's 3-4 hours in between feedings & to me that extra hour makes a HUGE difference.  

I usually do the night thing ok.  There have been a couple nights where I have fallen asleep while feeding (and woken up to a hickey on my boob or spit up all over me) or where I haven't been as quick as Bubba would like (and we discover he's given himself a hickey on his arm).  I do, however, struggle between 4-6 a.m.  Every morning Bubba wakes up between these hours, I roll over & get Moe to feed him (via bottle) or help burp him.  

Moe does the whole night (well I guess morning) feeding thing different & I usually wake up to find the two of them sharing the twin bed.  Bubba is nitched in Moe's armpit (yeah, it's really gross to smell your baby's head & get a whiff of B.O.) with a half eaten bottle near by.

Luckily it is Pioneer Day so after an early morning scout breakfast we were able to take a nap.

Pioneer day has always been an interesting phenomenon to me.  Growing up in a state that doesn't really have a state holiday (only potato harvest - which only some towns get off, mine not included), I thought it was a little weird to get a day off of work that the rest of the nation didn't have.  I'm not complaining mind you, I think it's great to celebrate heritage & have basically a second 4th of July (on the 24th).

This year, I'm just glad to have an extra day to relax (with Moe around to help with Bubba).

Shopping @ Smiths Sucks

Let me tell you about my lovely shopping experience today.  First of all, Bubba hates the grocery store.  I don't know what it is about it but he can be fed & napped & clean but still transforms to Raptor Baby whenever we are in there.  He won't sit in his car seat (which can conveniently attach right on the cart), I have to hold him & use my other hand / body weight to move the cart around.  And since my second hand isn't holding in his binky, he still isn't very happy.

So I went to our local Smiths and of course what they're doing during the recession is remodeling.  It is a MESS!  It took me 2 hours to find everything (minus the generic/cheap bread - that seems to have disappeared from the store entirely) and get into my car.  And I only had a weeks worth of groceries to buy!  

One of my downfalls was that I needed 4 helium balloons.  It took 10 minutes (and two overhead pages) to find a person who knew how to get the balloons for me & 10 more minutes for her to make them.  I know it's very similar to rocket science & that it takes a lot of concentration to squirt the magic fluid, fill the balloon, & then tie it with a string.  

Then right when I reached the register (which actually didn't take more than 5 minutes - because it was in the middle of the day) & the checker started, the power went out.  Luckily they do have a back up system where they input the serial number off of everything instead of scanning it - so I was able to get out of there.  Although my bag of potatoes didn't have the right number in the computer so I did have to tell the bag boy where to find the potatoes in order to get the right price.  

Needless to say, I'm never going shopping without Moe again.  It's just too much of a chore.

You Oughta Know

So before you start reading my blog there is something you oughta know. I feel like I have two personalities: nice Sassy and malicious Sassy. One of the purposes of this blog is for malicious Sassy to feel validated & like she has a voice without driving away all of nice Sassy's friends (malicious Sassy doesn't really have any friends, she's a real bitch). Thus, this blog will possibly be more "glass is half empty & my life sucks" rather than the contrary. Also, I'm not sharing my blog with any of my family and friends because (even though they know and have encountered malicious Sassy) my full wrath would make them think my life and marriage is going down the toilet and I deserve it.
I was going to title this post "I'm a Bitch" because that song by Meredith Brooks totally applies to me the last two hours or so. I totally bitched at my husband, Moe. Unlike my normal nagging, this reached a peak because of my frustrations:
I am so sick of cleaning this tiny apartment. I've been asking him to help me find a house for over 6 months now. And I can't even remember the last time he did something that I didn't have to ask for: like pick up his stuff that is all over or clean the floor or work on his resume or turn off the Wii or pick up his (7 week old) son or take out the trash, or talk to his boss about getting reimbursed for the business purchases that he continues to make on our personal credit card. Each of this things has little irritants associated with it. For example: get reimbursed for business purchases on the personal credit card. Again and again I've said "wouldn't it be easier if Boss just got you a company credit card so those purchases you "have to make to get the project done" could be billed directly to him?" But no, it's easier "just not to worry about it" and have his thankless wife go through each statement and ask about every little charge that doesn't look familiar. Because Moe is too scatter brained to worry about things like using our limited finances to provide for the thankless company he works for.
When malicious Sassy comes out, I almost feel so irritated that I think about leaving my husband to his own devices. Not that it's serious enough to think of divorce, but seriously - let's go 1 month without the things Sassy does & without Sassy playing the role of Moe's mother (nagging) and see what gets done on his own. It would be interesting to see what this 30 year old does. And the other part of me just wants to take control & buy a house & say "honey, we're moving. you need to go to this bank & sign the mortgage I've arranged." But Moe would like that, with his passiveness. But then I would feel guilty for every little thing that went wrong with the place.
Ok, it's time for malicious Sassy to go to bed. Hopefully this blog will help Sassy's controlling nature & eventually help Sassy & Moe's marriage (it's only been 7 years - how are we going to survive forever)- because Sassy will no longer bitch directly to him but will bitch to the blog (and hopefully that will be enough).
Challenge time readers: Please post realistic solutions for my anger management & (feeling the need to) constant nagging problems. Oh and tell your loved one how much you appreciate a specific thing they do - today!

To Blog or Not To Blog....

that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in my life to suffer
The slings and arrows of bottled up venting,
Or to take arms against some sea of troubles,
And by typing end them?

I've been thinking about blogging for almost a year now & I've finally decided to do it. Most of the reasons I've procrastinated are out of fear.
Fear that I'll discover I'm not a good writer (thank you Mrs. Ice, my high school English teacher - who discouraged my dream of becoming a writer)
Fear that I'll have writers block when it comes to entry titles (the hardest part of every paper I've written & the part I usually wait until the end to complete).
Fear that people I know (& love) will read my blog and get mad, offended, or be disappointed in me because of my rantings.
Fear that I'll type a couple entries & then stop, thus failing in another project I've started.
Fear that I'll lose sleep (because most of my ideas pop into my head while lying in bed waiting for sleep to come).
Fear that this blog (and all the avaliable online elements) will be a complete waste of time.

This past year, I've done a lot of things I didn't think I ever could. So forget you fear - I'm starting my blog.


"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when my fear is gone I will turn and face fear's path, and only I will remain." - Frank Herbert